Rules without a Relationship equals Rebellion

Teenagers. They are some of the most baffling of God's creation. Sometimes even more than women. If you are the parent of a teen, or have been the parent of a teen, you know what I am talking about. One moment everything is calm and then the raging storm comes out of no where. You have no idea what you said, what you did, or what you didn't do. In any case, there are remnants of a hurricane to clean up.

So what is the secret to surviving the hurricane? A “simple” formula ~ R-R=R. Okay, for those of us who hate math, or, as Dr. Dobson puts it, Rules without a Relationship equals Rebellion.

What exactly are rules? Rules aren't simply the ten commandments. Rules are the things in our lives that dictate whether we will be successful or not. Watching certain movies may be okay for me while the same movies may cause my husband to stumble. Maybe my best friend can enjoy a glass of wine, but because of addiction issues in my own life, I do not have that luxury. Does that mean God doesn't love me as much as He loves others? No. There are just certain things, Rules per se, that govern my life that are not an issue in others lives. Just as God our father wants what is best for us, so do we as parents, what is best for our children. This is where Relationship comes into play.

The Relationship is what makes the Rules workable. For example, if my Relationship with God is fractured, I envision Him meddling in my business, then I am going to struggle with the boundaries God places in my life. On the other hand, if my Relationship with God is built on trust, spending time with one another and knowing each other, then when my feathers get ruffled because God seems to be interfering in my life, I am able to separate out my feelings and remember to trust my Relationship with God because He loves me and has my best interest in mind.

The same is true with our teens. If our teens feel we know and love them explicitly and have their best interest in mind (a Relationship), then when we ask them to trust and obey us (the Rules), Rebellion has no place.

So how do we build the Relationship? One word; time. The same way I cannot be close with God and have an intimate relationship with Him if I don't spend time with him. The same way I cannot have an intimate relationship with my husband if I don't spend time with him. We must spend one on one time with our teens. Play a game. Throw a ball. Get ice cream. Go for a walk. Wash the car. Turn off the radio and listen. Anything together where you are working together on a common goal. Don't wait another minute-take some time with your teenager today and see if it doesn't build the Relationship and keep Rebellion at bay.

Nothing in Life is Free

You've heard the old adage, nothing in life is free, right? I have always balked at that statement because certainly, if Chick-fil-A is giving away their tasty chicken strips, they're free, right? Well, I guess except for the drink you bought with them to wash them down. Oh, and the gas you used to drive to their location. Not to mention the time you burned to go specifically to their store for lunch to get the free chicken. Don't forget that lunch took twice as long because everybody and their brother came for the 'free' meal, too. But still, wasn't is mostly free? I recently had the opportunity to see this phenomenon first hand in my own life. That nothing in life is free....

A few months ago my in-laws had some furniture they were looking to re-home and asked their kids if they were interested before they asked outside of the family. My favorite chair and secretary were on the list, along with a couch and loveseat. I talked my husband into putting dibs in on those items...they're free, after all, right? Later that week, we borrowed a truck from a friend and headed 90 miles east to grab our new free furniture to replace our 14 year old hand me downs. How exciting!! All said and done we spent $50 on gas and $10 for fast food, and I was still thinking our free furniture was still a pretty good deal.

Days later, a new home was found for our old furniture then I set to work bringing the new furniture into the house. When my husband asked where the new furniture was going and I told him he exclaimed, 'oh no! This furniture is too nice to put in the great room. We need to put it where the kids can't even sit on it.' Okay. Plan B. Let's put it in the family room. The furniture fit perfectly and made the room look cozy and warm with its gold and green hues. As I sat back and admired my new room I paused. Hmm. There's a problem. But only a slight problem. The walls were painted a suede blue color to match the green down chairs I had in the room before hand. The blue didn't look bad, but it really didn't look great, either. My decorating instinct kicked in and I started to obsess about how much it would cost to repaint the wall. I quietly slunk out the door and disappeared to Home Depot on a mission. Horrified at the $40 a gallon price tag of the special paint from two years previously I left a bit discouraged. My free furniture was starting to cost me more than I had originally anticipated. Thankfully, days later, I was able to discover a gallon of demonstration paint in the oops section for $1 and after adding 3 cups of white paint I already had, I was able to create the perfect color for my wall. Sadly, my compulsion to make the room just right didn't end there. I was so elated at saving so much money on paint I was compelled to go buy new decor for the room to match the style of my new furniture. Before I knew it, my new furniture had become an obsession that was growing wildly out of control, and consuming my life.

Pondering the whole situation I began to think of my relationship with Christ. Easter is upon us and churches will be emphasizing the free gift of eternal life made available through Christ's resurrection. The gift of salvation is free, all you have to do is ask for it. Just like I asked for the furniture from my incredible in-laws. The furniture I received, though free from the giver, made a change in my life that motivated me to action. This action had a cost; namely a different paint color and new nick knacks. Conversely, the gift of salvation I received from Christ was free. The change the Holy Spirit brings to my life compels me to action as I let the Holy Spirit consume my life. My resulting actions have a cost; namely denying myself. 2 Corinthians 3:18. Scripture says a believers is a new creation in Christ and will be transformed. 2 Corinthians 5:17; Ephesians 4:17-21. Salvation most certainly is a free gift, but living a spirit filled life has a cost. This isn't a new idea~Jesus told his followers they needed to evaluate that cost of discipleship before they made a commitment. Luke 14:25-33; Luke9:23.

As we are sharing the gospel, whether this Easter season or 3 months from now, we need to communicate that life in Christ is a free gift and the benefits far outweigh the cost, but there is a cost. Salvation isn't a gift you place on a shelf to gather dust, rather it's a gift put into action, through the work of the Holy Spirit, that compels life change. As John Calvin penned, “Indeed, faith alone saves, but the faith that saves, is never alone.”

Please share how your salvation has specifically cost you.

Cleaning Out the Closet

Spring is in the air and Easter is just around the corner. Most retail stores have the intoxicating fragrance of Tulips, Hyacinth, and Easter Lily's permeating the air. It is an abrupt reminder to me, that along with blooming bulbs, the need for spring cleaning to be done is upon me. I mentioned to my husband that I would be starting a Honey Do List for his cleaning list, and it jogged his memory about a conversation he'd recently had with a friend about life P.C. (Pre-Christian) and the struggles and failures his friend had experienced. Why is it so easy to share our P.C. struggles and failures but we struggle opening up about those things we've struggled with while a Christian. The friend likened it to the church building. Church staff work diligently to keep the areas of the church that everyone sees spotless, but if you go poking around where lay people never trod, there is always that pile of junk. Similarly, we close the door on the 'closets' of our own life so no one can see the junk.

We hear of drug abuse, infidelity, pornography addiction, greed, jealousy, and the list goes on and on. Most church members will come forth and admit they too had a problem, but it was years earlier: P.C. Yet statistics and those willing to share their life experience conclude that many church attenders are struggling with these same issues. Why are we so afraid to share our struggles with others? Are we afraid they will judge us? Look down on us? Think they are better than we are because 'they don't have that problem?' The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. God is not a God of fear—He is a God of love. (I John 4:18) It has been said that when we bring our struggles into the light, the struggle loses its power because it can no longer hide and it ceases to be a thing to be feared. We need to open the door of the proverbial closet and allow our struggles to be illuminated by the 'Light'.

I have recently been convicted of the junk I have been hiding and have started cracking the doors on some of my closets. I am tired of trying to look like the spotless church while hiding my mound of junk. And although everyone doesn't need to know the entirety of the struggles throughout my life, Ecclesiastes tells us there is a time for every season—this includes with who and what you share. I don't flaunt the contents of my closets, but carefully consider those I can trust and extend an invitation to help me clean out my closet. I am trading the energy I have been spending hiding the junk in the closet for energy needed to clean the junk out.

I am a sinner. I have always been a sinner. Those of us who are believers are covered by the blood of the Lamb, but sometimes I do the very thing I do not want to do. (Romans 7:15) Some sins are more socially accepted than others—some have greater consequences. But we have to remember that God is working within each of us, and rather than stuffing more junk in the closet, or busying ourselves with worrying about what other people have in their closets, maybe we need to ask if it's time to personally do a little spring cleaning in our closets.

New Year's Resolutions, Again?

I remember a time when my Christmas newsletter was written, printed, in postage paid envelopes, hand written notes on all 125 of them, and ready to be mailed by December 1^st. I'm not sure where that woman went. And as I think about it, I am not sure whether I really want her back?

It's the time of year when billboards, commercials and magazine articles are filled with advertisements to join XYZ gym or to lose weight. Ads even line the walls in public restroom stalls; you can't escape it. We are now half way through what might be called, guilted into doing it January. Countless scientific studies have proven that up to 100% of New Year's Resolutions are broken by February 17^th. Okay, some studies actually claim there are 5% of people who actually keep their resolutions. I don't know if any of these people, do you? Either way, it is the minority that keep resolutions, not the majority. Have you made New Year's resolutions? If so, how are you doing in the resolution keeping category? Or, are you one of those people who figures you will just break them so why even make them?

Age makes you do more soul searching, or maybe it's the hormones. Either way, contemplation has been one of my main activities the past few months which has lead to a desire is to be more intentional in making goals that matter. For example, does having my newsletter mailed out on the first day of December really matter in the scheme of eternity? Or does having a newsletter at all matter? What does God really desire of me? What aligns with His purpose for my life and how He designed me? Setting goals is not a bad thing, what we need to ask is, 'are we setting the right goals?' I like the word goals rather than resolution because it seems less cliché.

So, how do I set the right goals and succeed in keeping them? Here are some ideas.

First, determine what energizes you. What makes you smile from the top of your head down to your tippy toes? These are the things that God has designed you for. Do MORE of these things and get your goal aligned with them. If more of your goals are about improving your weaknesses you will be like the majority who break their resolutions. For a more extended version of this idea check out Find Your Strongest Life by Marcus Buckingham.

Second, have a mission/purpose statement for your life. Write it out in 10 words or less. Unless you know where you want to go in life, your goals will not get your there. Your life statement should be based on your spiritual gifts and how God designed you. These things fuel your tank and give you more energy even after a long day of activities. Take a look at Get More Done in Less Time, by Donna Otto.

Third, pick goals based on your life statement and write them down. Ask yourself “how does each goal line up with my purpose/mission statement?” If they don't line up, cross them off. Now put your written list where you can see if often. For help here, check out Life Mapping, by Dr. John Trent.

Lastly, but most importantly, write down HOW you are going to accomplish these goals. If you don't have a plan to get them done they are likely to just be words on paper at the end of the year. Remember the old adage, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

When I look at my goal list for 2010 I am energized, excited, and ready to take them on. Some are things that are difficult, like listening to 12 hours of Greek and Roman history. But, each is necessary to accomplish a bigger goal of mine. For example, the Greek and Roman history is a step toward writing a historical fiction novel. How about you? What are your big bodacious dreams? Have you broken them down into realistic goals? Are they in writing? If not, what are you waiting for?

Are Your Holiday Family Gatherings More Prickly than Polite?

Have you ever played the word association game? Lets try~I say chocolate, saliva develops as you sternly bark....'get me some!' Or, I say 'fruitcake' and you say, 'that wouldn't even make my dog drool. Move on.' How about if I say, “family holiday gathering?” Be honest. Do you start perspiring even though it's 65 degrees? Your eyes start to glaze over as you painfully realize Christmas is just around the corner. You are about to spend hours with people who don't really like you. In fact, the family tree may be the only reason they gather with you at all.

This time of year we ponder Jesus as light of the world. But, Matthew 5 states that we, Jesus' followers, are the light of the world. Is it possible to be the 'light of the world' spending time with family members? Yesterday while I was shopping, I gave the lady behind me in line 2 of my extra coupons. You would have thought I had given her a $20 bill. She was elated. That was easy. Why is it easier to be a light for Christ with a stranger? What happens to that thoughtful spirit in me when I get around my relatives? What is there about us that can be so stubborn about demanding our way when we are with family? Do I demand more from my relatives? Am I a poor communicator? Do my actions corroborate my words or discredit me?

Recently I had to answer these questions when I received a email from a family member that left me shaking. Angry. Hurt. Angry. Disgruntled. Angry. Hopeless. Did I mention angry? It, however, was not a righteous anger. I had to ask myself why the letter caused so much anger within me. Perhaps it was because some of the things in the email were painfully true. Initially, I chose denial fervently building a case for myself of all the things in the letter that were not true. Not a good plan. Fortunately, after much prayer and seeking counsel, I snapped out of denial mode.

Many of the things in the email were not necessarily true, but the result of poor communication. But, regretfully, some of the things were true. My pride did not want to see where I was not being Christlike. Baggage from past interactions prevented me from loving as Christ calls me to love. But when I sought counsel and realized my actions were causing pain in the life of someone, I discovered that I needed to confess those things to God and ask His forgiveness. More importantly, I needed to ask my relative for forgiveness. That, my friend, was not an easy task. If I hear the word apologize the first thought that comes to my mind is, “Gulp, how do you eat an elephant?” Well, as I tell my girls, “you eat an elephant one bite at a time.” What do the first bites look like? Let me suggest the following.

• Read Scripture. Perspective is everything and nothing provides perspective like God's word. We need perspective when asking if there is something I have done to cause conflict in this relationship.

• Go to the Person. No emails or texts. Communication is 90% non-verbal and only 10% verbal. If distance prevents a face to face interaction, make a phone call.

• Listen. Listen. Listen. Did I say listen? Our tendency is to defend ourselves. Resist this temptation. God is your defender and protector.

• Admit Wrong. I had to say, “You are right. I have___, would you please forgive me?”

• Make a Commitment. Tell the person you will try and not commit the offense again and take the necessary steps to back up your words. For me, the culprit was poor communication. I made a commitment to call in the future and not rely on others to communicate for me.

Does it work? A few weeks after our interaction, our families had the chance to get together. Instead of dreading the interaction, I went with hope that things would go better than they have in the past. I felt God's peace and joy in doing what He has called me to do. Was it easy? No. Were there times I needed a breather and needed to be alone? Yes. But, I can honestly say I had a great time and am not dreading our next family get together.

What about you? Do you need to go to someone before that family holiday gathering and make things right? If so, here may be some utensils to help you eat that elephant one bite at a time~

• Read scripture

• Go to the person

• Listen. Listen. Listen

• Admit wrong

• Make a commitment

I would love to know how your 'meal' went over the holidays. Please comment or email and let me know!

Take Your Best Shot by Austin Gutwein

“When you put your all into something, when you're so inspired or dedicated that you give it all you've got, you are taking your best shot.” Do these sound like words that would come from a teenager who claims, “I'm no different than you, I'm just a normal kid.”? Amazingly, Take Your Best Shot by Austin Gutwein, who founded Hoops of Hope, is an amazing account of Austin's personal walk in discovering how he can personally make a difference for eternity.

Challenged by a video from World Vision his family was given, Austin came to a realization that some adults never contemplate. First, we all eventually die. Second, our time here on this earth is very short compared to eternity. Austin started to see the world for what it is and started to discover his place in it. Challenged to do something to make a difference in the lives of orphans in Africa, Austin set out to dream a bodacious dream that he could only accomplish with God's help. This all started with a paradigm shift on Austin's part: things that do not expire are more important than things that do expire. Simply put; people are eternal~things are not.

Austin's challenge to all who read his book is to dream a big bodacious dream that only God can accomplish. Not just any dream, though. He asks the reader what passion God has put in their heart. Austin is not trying to build a following for financial support but truly enticing his readers to take the vision God has given them and to take their best shot to change the world for the better.

Find Your Strongest Life Now Book Review

I hope many of you had the opportunity to attend the Women of Faith Conference this last weekend. On Friday night, Marcus Buckingham spoke about his new book - Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently. And although I have not had a chance to read this book in it's entirety yet (I did buy 4 more copies on Friday for special women in my life), my husband has and below is his review. Samantha Wright

Study the happiest and most successful women and you realize that they ignore balance, and strive for fullness instead. They deliberately tilt their world toward those few moments that genuinely fill them up.

As someone who has heard Marcus Buckingham speak and read his previous books, I looked forward to the release of his new book, Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently even though I have a Y chromosome. I was also excited about the book, because I am surround by women in my life (my wife, my daughters, co-workers) and I desire each one of them to be genuinely successful.

Buckingham is a self described ‘strength strategist’ and most of his readers would probably describe him as primarily a business/organizational writer. But Find Your Strongest Life challenges women in their individual lives to start life strong and grow even stronger in life. He introduces revolutionary concepts like intentionally imbalancing your life, strong moments, and the practice of catching and cradling these strong moments. At the same time, he debunks myths surrounding the benefits of ‘balance’ and ‘juggling’ life. His chapter subheadings, including ‘Strive for Imbalance’ and ‘Always Sweat the Small Stuff,’ prepare the reader to expect a break from the norm.

Buckingham takes his readers into the lives of two women, Charlie and Anna, to put real flesh and bones on his thesis. Although, Charlie and Anna have very similar backgrounds and skill sets, each ends up with a very different level of satisfaction in her life. Buckingham posits that it is the practice of catching and cradling life’s strong moments that accounts for this difference.

I found the book enjoyable, readable, and challenging. Although at times, I found myself thinking that a specific section or thought would be much more applicable to the women in my life. Well, of course, Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently is targeted toward women.

Although many authors of personal development books spend up to 90% of their book explaining their advice and only 10% pushing the reader to change, within the first 100 pages, Buckingham is challenging his readers. And this push continues for the next 80 pages as he uses sections like ‘What’s Stopping You’ to help the reader internalize his thesis and determine what it looks like in her own life. Part Three concludes with a look at specific areas of a woman’s life and steps can be taken in those areas to create a stronger life.

I know that I am going to need at least 2 more copies for my co-workers. And maybe another if I can convince my teenage daughters to start discovering their strongest life before they leave middle school and high school.