Are Your Holiday Family Gatherings More Prickly than Polite?

Have you ever played the word association game? Lets try~I say chocolate, saliva develops as you sternly bark....'get me some!' Or, I say 'fruitcake' and you say, 'that wouldn't even make my dog drool. Move on.' How about if I say, “family holiday gathering?” Be honest. Do you start perspiring even though it's 65 degrees? Your eyes start to glaze over as you painfully realize Christmas is just around the corner. You are about to spend hours with people who don't really like you. In fact, the family tree may be the only reason they gather with you at all.

This time of year we ponder Jesus as light of the world. But, Matthew 5 states that we, Jesus' followers, are the light of the world. Is it possible to be the 'light of the world' spending time with family members? Yesterday while I was shopping, I gave the lady behind me in line 2 of my extra coupons. You would have thought I had given her a $20 bill. She was elated. That was easy. Why is it easier to be a light for Christ with a stranger? What happens to that thoughtful spirit in me when I get around my relatives? What is there about us that can be so stubborn about demanding our way when we are with family? Do I demand more from my relatives? Am I a poor communicator? Do my actions corroborate my words or discredit me?

Recently I had to answer these questions when I received a email from a family member that left me shaking. Angry. Hurt. Angry. Disgruntled. Angry. Hopeless. Did I mention angry? It, however, was not a righteous anger. I had to ask myself why the letter caused so much anger within me. Perhaps it was because some of the things in the email were painfully true. Initially, I chose denial fervently building a case for myself of all the things in the letter that were not true. Not a good plan. Fortunately, after much prayer and seeking counsel, I snapped out of denial mode.

Many of the things in the email were not necessarily true, but the result of poor communication. But, regretfully, some of the things were true. My pride did not want to see where I was not being Christlike. Baggage from past interactions prevented me from loving as Christ calls me to love. But when I sought counsel and realized my actions were causing pain in the life of someone, I discovered that I needed to confess those things to God and ask His forgiveness. More importantly, I needed to ask my relative for forgiveness. That, my friend, was not an easy task. If I hear the word apologize the first thought that comes to my mind is, “Gulp, how do you eat an elephant?” Well, as I tell my girls, “you eat an elephant one bite at a time.” What do the first bites look like? Let me suggest the following.

• Read Scripture. Perspective is everything and nothing provides perspective like God's word. We need perspective when asking if there is something I have done to cause conflict in this relationship.

• Go to the Person. No emails or texts. Communication is 90% non-verbal and only 10% verbal. If distance prevents a face to face interaction, make a phone call.

• Listen. Listen. Listen. Did I say listen? Our tendency is to defend ourselves. Resist this temptation. God is your defender and protector.

• Admit Wrong. I had to say, “You are right. I have___, would you please forgive me?”

• Make a Commitment. Tell the person you will try and not commit the offense again and take the necessary steps to back up your words. For me, the culprit was poor communication. I made a commitment to call in the future and not rely on others to communicate for me.

Does it work? A few weeks after our interaction, our families had the chance to get together. Instead of dreading the interaction, I went with hope that things would go better than they have in the past. I felt God's peace and joy in doing what He has called me to do. Was it easy? No. Were there times I needed a breather and needed to be alone? Yes. But, I can honestly say I had a great time and am not dreading our next family get together.

What about you? Do you need to go to someone before that family holiday gathering and make things right? If so, here may be some utensils to help you eat that elephant one bite at a time~

• Read scripture

• Go to the person

• Listen. Listen. Listen

• Admit wrong

• Make a commitment

I would love to know how your 'meal' went over the holidays. Please comment or email and let me know!

Take Your Best Shot by Austin Gutwein

“When you put your all into something, when you're so inspired or dedicated that you give it all you've got, you are taking your best shot.” Do these sound like words that would come from a teenager who claims, “I'm no different than you, I'm just a normal kid.”? Amazingly, Take Your Best Shot by Austin Gutwein, who founded Hoops of Hope, is an amazing account of Austin's personal walk in discovering how he can personally make a difference for eternity.

Challenged by a video from World Vision his family was given, Austin came to a realization that some adults never contemplate. First, we all eventually die. Second, our time here on this earth is very short compared to eternity. Austin started to see the world for what it is and started to discover his place in it. Challenged to do something to make a difference in the lives of orphans in Africa, Austin set out to dream a bodacious dream that he could only accomplish with God's help. This all started with a paradigm shift on Austin's part: things that do not expire are more important than things that do expire. Simply put; people are eternal~things are not.

Austin's challenge to all who read his book is to dream a big bodacious dream that only God can accomplish. Not just any dream, though. He asks the reader what passion God has put in their heart. Austin is not trying to build a following for financial support but truly enticing his readers to take the vision God has given them and to take their best shot to change the world for the better.

Find Your Strongest Life Now Book Review

I hope many of you had the opportunity to attend the Women of Faith Conference this last weekend. On Friday night, Marcus Buckingham spoke about his new book - Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently. And although I have not had a chance to read this book in it's entirety yet (I did buy 4 more copies on Friday for special women in my life), my husband has and below is his review. Samantha Wright

Study the happiest and most successful women and you realize that they ignore balance, and strive for fullness instead. They deliberately tilt their world toward those few moments that genuinely fill them up.

As someone who has heard Marcus Buckingham speak and read his previous books, I looked forward to the release of his new book, Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently even though I have a Y chromosome. I was also excited about the book, because I am surround by women in my life (my wife, my daughters, co-workers) and I desire each one of them to be genuinely successful.

Buckingham is a self described ‘strength strategist’ and most of his readers would probably describe him as primarily a business/organizational writer. But Find Your Strongest Life challenges women in their individual lives to start life strong and grow even stronger in life. He introduces revolutionary concepts like intentionally imbalancing your life, strong moments, and the practice of catching and cradling these strong moments. At the same time, he debunks myths surrounding the benefits of ‘balance’ and ‘juggling’ life. His chapter subheadings, including ‘Strive for Imbalance’ and ‘Always Sweat the Small Stuff,’ prepare the reader to expect a break from the norm.

Buckingham takes his readers into the lives of two women, Charlie and Anna, to put real flesh and bones on his thesis. Although, Charlie and Anna have very similar backgrounds and skill sets, each ends up with a very different level of satisfaction in her life. Buckingham posits that it is the practice of catching and cradling life’s strong moments that accounts for this difference.

I found the book enjoyable, readable, and challenging. Although at times, I found myself thinking that a specific section or thought would be much more applicable to the women in my life. Well, of course, Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently is targeted toward women.

Although many authors of personal development books spend up to 90% of their book explaining their advice and only 10% pushing the reader to change, within the first 100 pages, Buckingham is challenging his readers. And this push continues for the next 80 pages as he uses sections like ‘What’s Stopping You’ to help the reader internalize his thesis and determine what it looks like in her own life. Part Three concludes with a look at specific areas of a woman’s life and steps can be taken in those areas to create a stronger life.

I know that I am going to need at least 2 more copies for my co-workers. And maybe another if I can convince my teenage daughters to start discovering their strongest life before they leave middle school and high school.

Never Underestimate the Power of the Written Word

Have you ever received a note or card from someone that made you smile ear to ear? The note so encouraged you that you would not dare relegate it to the trash can? I have a box in my attic of such notes. I am not sure why I am saving them~certainly my children will not want them when I'm dead and gone. I haven't looked through them or reread them in years, so what makes me hang on to them? I have always loved writing people notes. Probably because I love getting them from others. In a day and age of email and e-cards the only snail mail we receive most days is bills, junk mail and catalogs. Is that what makes a handwritten note in the mailbox so special?

Not too long ago I ran into a woman from our church and we started chatting. During our conversation she told me she still had a note of encouragement I had written her several years ago. What would make her keep a note for all these years and remember what I wrote in it to her? I wonder if written notes say 'your special' in a unique way? In February my dad passed away. In preparing for his memorial service I asked our girls what one of their favorite memories was of Pop. Shoshanah told us it was that Pop always sent her notes in the mail with several sticks of gum. Notes~in the mail~with sticks of gum. It was an 'aha' moment for me. Shoshanah loved getting those notes in the mail. She knew when the mail came, in addition to the adult junk mail, there just might be something in that stack for her. She loved when I sorted through the mail, pulled out an envelope, handed it to her and said, “this one is for YOU!” It communicated to her that she was special. Notes people write us make us feel special. And even if we don't read them over and over again we know they are tucked away somewhere safe just as they are tucked away in the memories of our heart.

The book of Acts is full of stories of believers who encourage each other (Acts 14:22; 15:31-32) and this model of encouragement is commanded of believers in I Thessalonians 5: 11, 14 and Hebrews 10:25. So what are you going to do today? Is there someone in your life you need to write a note of encouragement to? Take a moment right now. Grab a piece of paper, spring for a stamp, and jot down a quick note to someone that will make them grin from ear to ear.

Say What You Mean, and Mean What You Say

You might be surprised at what your children hear, understand, process, and put into their little memory banks! Scary might even be a better word. Two quick stories illustrate this fact.

Our family loves baseball, especially our World Series Champion Diamondbacks. It was the home opener and we were sitting down watching the game at home with our two girls (tickets to the Champions are a little out of our budget). Between innings, a commercial for a cell phone company came on. Dennis Franz was telling his agent that he doesn’t “do” commercials because you have to be a user of the product you are trying to sell. The four of us are talking when Zoe (4 years old at the time) looked up and said, “Dad. That guy says he doesn’t ‘do’ commercials, but LOOK! He’s doing a commercial.” Well at least the ad gurus know how to get a 4 year old’s attention.

My brother died of a drug overdose several years ago. We have consciously withheld some of the details from our girls until they are a little older. I am amazed at how much they know already from listening to our conversations with other adults. The summer my daughter was 4, I helped chauffeur her preschool class to Phoenix for a field trip. I drove and chatted with one teacher, while Zoe sat in the very back row of the van next to her other teacher. All of the sudden, I was drawn to Zoe’s conversation with her teacher. “Well,” Zoe said, in a rather a matter of fact tone, “my Uncle Na Na took my Grammy’s pillow one night. When my Grammy woke up in the morning and went to get her pillow he was dead, but I don’t know how he died. My pop tried to hold him like a baby, but he wouldn’t come back alive. I guess my Grammy killed him for taking her pillow.” Startled by her word’s, I nearly ran off the road. I had told this part of my brother’s story to some people when Zoe was nearly two years old, and two years later she was showing us she had overheard, remembered, processed it, and now was ‘regurgitating it.

Each of these stories illustrate how scary it can be when we stop to think about what our children hear and remember. It leaves an indelible impression with me that I need to watch all that I say and do around my children Even when I think it’s “going over their heads” or that they are not listening. We have adopted a saying in our household - “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” How often in life do we say one thing and do something very different? Are you a 'do as I say, but not as I do' kind of person?

Lord give us strength to be careful to say and do the right thing!

Embracing Life's Changes

When I was a little girl, my grandmother, gave me some great advice about getting shots. She said, “Sam, if you tense up, it is harder for the needle to go into the muscle so it hurts more. Relax, don't fight it and it will hurt less.” Pretty good advice for getting shots, but even better advice when dealing with life’s changes.

They say only death and taxes are certainties, but I believe ‘change’ should be in that list also. As part of the 'sandwich' generation (raising children at home and caring for aging parents) change is a constant. In the last year, I have sent a daughter to high school, a daughter to middle school, graduated from Phoenix Seminary, buried my father, and am helping my mom deal with being a widow.

The way my mom and I communicate through this transitional time is a great example of relaxing and not fighting the change. During the time my mom was caring for my paraplegic father she became increasingly lonely and sought out my interaction. Several phone calls a day may not seem like much, but a lot of times I didn’t have time for call right then and there, so I showed her how to text message me from the computer. Her messages got to me right away and I would call her back when I could. Eventually, mom decided that texting wasn’t so bad and it became our primary means of communication - a win win for both of us.

Mom also felt like she was in the dark about what our family was doing, so she took the next risk - Facebook. By watching our family’s and our daughter’s Facebook she could see on a daily basis what our family and my daughters were doing.

Mom is a great example of relaxing and going with life’s changes instead of tensing up. Mom could have said, “honey, I just don't want to learn how to text so you will just need to answer the phone when I call.” In reality, every generation faces these type of changes. Not too long ago, the television and carbon copies where new things. Next it was computers, cellphones, and copy machines. Now it is texting, Facebook, podcasts, and Twitter. And who knows what will be next.

Even within the church, organs gave way to pianos, and now guitars. Overhead projectors gave way to slide projectors, and now PowerPoint presentations. And although the gospel message is unchanging, the way it is presented and will be presented must change. Without change, how can we reach this generation and the generation to follow.

I think my Grandma really was right. I am going to have to get that shot; the question I need to ask myself is if I will resist it and reap the consequence of the additional pain, or will I relax and go with it? What about you? Will you relax and embrace the changes life brings? Or, will you tense up and resist it?